In March, 1778, MSNBC ran one of their famous non-biased television segments on Valley Forge. The transcript follows.
Keith Olbermann: Welcome to MSNBC Live. We’re back for another non-biased television segment on the Revolutionary War. Today, we’re live at Valley Forge, Pennsylvania. Right now, we’re going to go down to MSNBC correspondent David Shuster. David, over to you.
David Shuster: Thanks Keith. I’m standing here right now with a soldier in George Washington’s “army”. Private, what are your views on the war?
Soldier: I…
Shuster: Do you believe that the war is a failure?
Soldier: Well, I think the war is a positive…
Shuster: Obviously, my friend here is a little tongue tied here on national television. I think what he’s trying to say is that we’re in a positive mess, and the soldiers are feeling it. Soldier, do you agree that the Washington Administration is full of ineptitude?
Solider: I…
Shuster: Thank you for your thoughts, soldier. Back to you, Keith.
Olbermann: Thank you David. We’ll break here for a short ad break. When we come back, more unbiased MSNBC coverage of Valley Forge.
(roll ads)
Olbermann: And we’re back, with more live unbiased coverage. Joining me now is Tucker Carlson, MSNBC Senior Campaign Correspondent. Tucker, you know a lot about this war, being a senior correspondent. What do you think of the leadership?
Tucker Carlson: First of all, I’m a Federalist. I don’t know what you consider Federalist, but I’m not much of a Republican. By my criteria, Washington isn’t much of a Federalist.
Olbermann: Really? That’s interesting. Now, there’s talk that Washington might run for president, and I heard you wouldn’t vote for him. Am I correct?
Carlson: I think the Revolutionary War was a major mistake.
Olbermann: Thank you Tucker. Now, I’m going to talk about Washington. Recently, MoveOnOutOfYourDadsBasement.org released an ad attacking General von Steuben, calling him a foreign pig who needs mental help. General Washington called it “disgusting” and was upset that more “Democrat Party leaders didn’t speak out against this”. First of all, it’s the Jeffersonian Democratic-Republican Party. You keep pretending you’re not a politician, so stop using words your party made up. Show a little respect. Additionally, if the shoe fits, wear it. General von Steuben is an incompetent foreigner. Anyway, I’m done. More unbiased reporting coming up.
(roll ads)
Olbermann: We’re now here with Governor George Bryan of Pennsylvania, a staunch anti-federalist. Governor, what do you think of our wonderful coverage of the war?
George Bryan: Mr. Olbermann, the coverage of George Washington is embarrassing. That’s all I can say.
Olbermann: Are you insinuating that we’re BIASED! That we’re…
(roll ads)
(off camera, Olbermann is heard screaming four letter words. It’s a long ad break.)
Chris Matthews: We apologize for the inconvenience. Mr. Olbermann had to leave on very short notice, so I’ll fill in for him. Governor Bryan, what were you saying?
Bryan: All I want to know is this: does MSNBC oppose Washington?
Matthews: Not officially.
(roll ads)
(off camera, a door slams. The governor screams in pain, and is silent.)
Matthews: And we’re back, with more unbiased MSNBC coverage. We apologize, as the governor had to leave on official business. We’re joined by former Federalist Congressman and current MSNBC contributor, Joe Scarborough.
Joe Scarborough: Glad to be here.
Matthews: What is your opinion on Washington’s intelligence?
Scarborough: I think George Washington is in a league by himself. I don’t think he has the intellectual depth as these other people.
Matthews: A good league?
Scarborough: No.
Matthews: Would you say he’s in the same league as, say, Bill O’Reilly?
Scarborough: He’s a Federalist suck-up.
Matthews: Aren’t you a Federalist?
Scarborough: Yes I am.
Matthews: Then he’s in your league?
Scarborough: I don’t engage in Crossfire-type debates.
(Scarborough walks off the set to go burn Laura Ingraham tapes.)
