After helping his good buddy Mike Huckabee almost take the Republican nomination in 2008, rumors are that Chuck Norris is prepping himself for a 2012 run. Today, we take a look at Norris’ record and credentials.

Cabinet

Chuck Norris went on record and named several members of his cabinet in an exclusive interview with this paper. These included Jackie Chan for Secretary of State and Bruce Lee for Secretary of Defense. When asked about this further, Chuck Norris mentioned that Lee was the only person who ever beat Chuck. When told that Lee was currently dead, Chuck Norris replied, “So?”

Issues

During this exclusive interview, Norris also related his stances on several key issues.

Crime

In states in which Chuck Norris has lived in, crime has gone down by 500%. No one knows how that’s possible.

Arnold Schwarzenegger once challenged anyone in the world to a one-on-one televised fight to boost his Hollywood career. Norris accepted. Schwarzenegger changed his mind and told Norris that he couldn’t, since he had “just decided” to run for governor of California.

Drugs

For the good of the planet, Chuck Norris has never taken steroids. He doesn’t want you to, either. He wouldn’t want to have to break a sweat while fighting.

Education

Very little is known of how Chuck Norris views science. We only really know two things. One, the Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick. Two, the reason so many creatures went extinct was because they decided to rebel against Chuck Norris.

Energy

Nuclear power plants are complete rip-offs of Chuck Norris’ body.

Experience

Chuck Norris is a great businessman. Every single deal he proposed was accepted, with the exception of one. That was the day Steve Jobs had a mysterious heart attack.

Gun Control

Chuck Norris isn’t sure why anyone would want a gun for self-defense. As long as they don’t bother Chuck, he doesn’t bother them.

Immigration

Chuck Norris will have closed borders. The border patrol will be disbanded, and Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick will replace it. There will be an immediate flood of illegal immigrants. To Mexico.

Media

Chuck Norris is in two lawsuits right now. One is with News Corp.’s MySpace, for trademark infringement on his name for the world. The second is with NBC over Law and Order, his nickname. The judges are expected to file unanimously for Chuck Norris.

Taxes

IRS man: “Mr. Norris, your taxes are due.”

Chuck Norris: *bam*

Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.

Foreign Policy

Chuck Norris has a great trading policy. After all, he himself is the leading world exporter of pain.

Chuck Norris has had a great military experience. Chuck’s paintball battles were the model for the American army tactics in World War II.

Chuck Norris has had great success with breaking down China’s hostility. Look at the Great Wall.

If Chuck Norris because president, Bin Laden would commit suicide to avoid meeting him.

Chuck Norris ftw. End of story.